Sex is a good thing

(by Todah Opeyemi)*

We have all heard it, “sex is dirty”, “sex is gross”, “sex is nasty” and for a religious person, “sex is a sin” or probably, “sex would be a sin.”

But it's untrue. Denying the purpose of a thing will only make the abuse of it inevitable. We don't have all the answers but we must have a purpose and the purpose must be that which makes us feel good and not only feels good, it must definitely not hunt us.

One thing that is common is that on the search of love, we end up giving sex as a bait to be loved. We need to find balance, ask questions about what we truly want, be in charge of our mind and be ready to love when it comes. You will know by then that it's what we both want, what we both desire, without guilt, without apology and we will give it fully to whom deserves it all.

It's time to know that sex is a good thing. It's time to love, it is also time to be able to recognize what we want. It's time to know that we are more than mere infatuation and lust from whomever desires to fill our space. Also know that sex is a glue and be ready to be glued with the right person, when we stick, be ready to stick with your partner’s mess. Sex is allowing the pieces of you to stick with the pieces of another.

When do you give it? That's the question for me. It’s in marriage even though my flesh wanted it so badly that he didn't wait to taste it all in marriage. I'm also fully aware not all of us would get married and it's fine; you can do that which blesses your soul.

Do that which honours your body, honours your heart and continually blesses your soul.

You have the answer. Does it honour you?

*Todah is passionate about telling untold stories and breaking bad cultures by engaging people in conversations on humanity, faith, sexuality, and all-round mindfulness. He is the host of Talk With Todah.

Follow The Daily Vulnerable videos on YouTube and Podcast (search for #WithChude wherever you get your podcast from).

If this daily message blesses you, comment, like, tweet, share or forward it to your friends and loved ones. Even, those who think themselves your enemies :).

We’re not grateful enough

A weekly summary of my dance with Life – in 10 subheadings

The most important lesson this week taught me

Think of the first woman ever to leave an abusive marriage. The first woman to insist that she must go out and work to get a job. The first woman that fought for the credits and the right to be chief executive or president or just chief.

Think of the first Africans to fight to be ordained in the church. Or to say Blacks needed the right to vote. The first woman to say the rule against women wearing trousers or speaking in church didn’t make sense. The first women to demand participation in ‘male sports’. The first person to say to be gay is not to be less human. The first person to say the children of ‘slaves’ also deserved to be educated. Or that being of ‘royal blood’ didn’t mean you were better than anyone else. Or that employees needed to be in labour unions to fight for their rights.

Or that a man could be guilty of raping a woman he ‘paid’ a dowry on. Or the first woman who refused to live with a man who beat her and asked for a divorce, before divorces were legal. Or the one who asked for alimony for the intangible labour she put into her marriage. Think of the first set of people who insisted that marriage should also be about love, not just duty. Or that the woman is not property of the man. Or that the bible should belong to everybody, not just priests. Or for freedom of religion. Or to fight the concept of heresy, and entrench freedom of speech and ideas.

These pioneers must have been lonely, abused, tormented, racked with fear and self-doubt, ostracized. Then mocked for being sad and depressed, presented as proof that there is only one way to be, and to search for a better way is a mistake.

Because of them, we are here today. The rights we enjoy – as employees, as Black people, as women, as lesbians, as Christians, as single parents, as human beings – came because someone took the risk, even when there was no model, no precedent, no evidence, no trend lines, no tradition or convention to rely on.

They stood on their own. And because of them, we can stand more fully in our humanity.

We should be grateful. We are not grateful enough for these small blessings. They made us possible today. And more than that? They made it possible for us to also try and be pioneers – for new rights, new possibilities, new freedoms. For those who are coming after us.

What I am rumbling with 

  1. Some things are straight lines. E.g. less calories leads to lost weight.

  2. Somethings are curved and bent and circled. E.g. if you marry that woman, will you live happily ever faster?

  3. And some things are inevitably messy, difficult to predict, for instance, what happens when you put your foot down against a troublesome client, a corrosive member of your team, a destructive child? Game theory. The field of possibilities are limitless. You can’t predict the outcome. You can’t control it. After you have done what you believe is right, you have to wait and see.

Many of us want all our problems and issues to be number one, and because we are afraid of losing control or uncomfortable with uncertainty, we pretend that our problems are not messy and complex, and we don’t hold all the cards.

But let the truth set you free. A lot of things are out of your control. A lot of things can’t be predicted with any certainty. At best all you can play with are probabilities.

That’s uncomfortable. But there is nothing wrong with discomfort. That’s life.

The problems only arise when we deceive ourselves, and then allow reality to shock us with the truth at the end of the day.

For The Culture 

There is a lot of anger, rage, hate – especially on the internet. Much of it is understandable – it’s said to be in the service of more equality, more fairness. But something occurs to me the more I pay attention. The true revolutionaries who moved the world into more and more freedom were actually full of love and compassion. The recent examples from MLK to Mohandas Ghandi show us that love helps us see clearly – see beyond bitterness and retribution; to see strategically the ways that we can heal and restitute, forgive and convert, learn together, and do better together. Those who truly change the world in ways we call good did it from a place of empathy and love and community and wisdom. Without love, all we do is replace one oppressive power structure with another. There is, it appears, very little good to be found in negative emotion.

A mistake I made this week 

I can’t think of any. To be authentic, in this situation, is not to confess a mistake for the sake of performance. But if I missing any, Lord, please show them to me. Because there is nothing worse than not being able to see clearly.

What I am watching/reading/listening to 

I just finished reading The Tao of Warren Buffett, a small book that complies much of his wisest sayings. It is written by his former daughter in law, Mary. I think Buffett is one of the wisest people alive today. If you want to access his practical wisdom without investing a lot of time, this is a book you won’t mind.

A challenge I am facing 

I want a colleague to know I love him. I usually get through when it’s someone I care about this deeply. Not this time. It really frustrates me that I haven’t figured out a way to make this one work the way I want it to. Actually, I just decided at this moment that the Obstacle is The Way. I’ll (finally) surrender to what is. 

Fine sentences

“There have been rough spots and detours and ups and downs. But at the end of the day, I’ve loved and been loved and all the rest is background music.” – Hillary Clinton

From my gratitude journal 

I am grateful for my best friend who just came into the country and with whom I spent four hours soothing my spirit.

I am grateful for the love of my partner, who is devoted to me in a way that I could only have prayed for.

I am grateful for the ability to give to those around me – because giving brings me joy.

From my daily affirmations

“I love life and life loves me.”

Food for thought

Authenticity is not trying to ‘be yourself’. It’s accepting yourself for what you are.

Follow The Daily Vulnerable videos on YouTube and Podcast (search for #WithChude wherever you get your podcast from).

If this daily message blesses you, comment, like, tweet, share or forward it to your friends and loved ones. Even, those who think themselves your enemies :).

The root of desire + other links

[The Joy List]

Fellow traveler,

I’m glad to share this edition of The Joy List, the weekly collection of insights, and some of the best things we've read elsewhere, as we yearn for flourishing individuals and societies.

Spread joy and not fear, hope without panic.

With joy,

From our team at Joy, Inc.

> Dolapo Agbede sits on the next episode of #WithChude. She is visually impaired. Or as some would say, blind, but have shared more insights from her depths. It airs today at 9:00 pm to 9:30 pm on TVC Entertainment and also on EbonyLife TV on Thursday at 7:30 pm. You can see the trailer here

> Have you seen the latest clips for The Daily Vulnerable? You can check the YouTube channel. It is also available on TV Continental every Monday to Friday at 7:00am WAT, and on Nigeria Info at 5.10 am. daily.

Worth Reading

> “Control is an illusion… Nothing in the universe is stable. Atoms break apart. Stars collapse. Continents shift. People evolve. Entropy is the norm—not the exception. Panic and anxiety feed on attempting to control what can’t be controlled. No matter how dedicated we are, tugging on a plant won’t make it grow faster. There’s an alternative. Instead of pulling on the plant, we can water it, give it time to grow, and let it surprise us with a flower.” — Let go of control. It's an illusion.

> The root of desire [link]

>  What we lose when we grieve in isolation [link]

> Happiness at work doesn’t just depend on your employer [link]

> Happiness doesn’t change much in long marriages. But something else does [link]

Worth Thinking About

Every day is a bonus.

Feedback Friday: "This is for me!"

Fellow traveler,

We love reading your emails, thoughts, and feedback about the TDV pieces you read. We are blessed to be part of your life, every day, in the most honorable way.

We'll share some of the feedback from this community.

In response to: To a friend dealing with mental health

This one is for me!

This spoke to me!

I cried reading this. 

I am recovering from a traumatic experience that has made me depressed for weeks and this message came at the right time. 

I am stronger than this trauma. 

Love is all that matters now to me now.

I am a conqueror.

Thank you so much for this message. Thank you for sharing this. 

Thank you Sahar Massachi.
[Name Withheld]

In response to: Never perfect

Gurrl, are you living my life! So thankful that you didn’t overthink this post  It’s such a timely reminder for me to #JustDoIt, get to work when inspiration strikes. Perfection is unto God. 

Excellence is the best we can strive for, striving for perfection is the mother of procrastination, frustration, and all kinds of complexes. 

Thank you.
[Name Withheld]

In response to: What to focus on when doing new things

I love the “unfamiliarity” perspective too. The warning sign creates fear, it’s like a constant red traffic light glaring at me. So I’d rather embrace newness with the understanding of “I’m not familiar with these things yet, so what do I need to learn?”. Thanks, Daniel, I love reading from you.

Kind regards,
[Name Withheld]

In response to: Who embarrassed you?

This is so liberating. Once, a colleague was rude to me at work. I was vexed within my spirit.  I thought to 'put him in his place'.
But somehow I told myself not to give him that power over my emotions. I ignored him.
What followed beat me, even as I write this. 
Yes, it's true. Most of what we allow to rule our emotions are things we can control; instead of allowing them to control us.
Thank you for this piece of blessing. 
[Name Withheld]

Follow The Daily Vulnerable videos on YouTube and Podcast (search for #WithChude wherever you get your podcast from).

If this daily message blesses you, comment, like, tweet, share or forward it to your friends and loved ones. Even, those who think themselves your enemies :).

What Letting Go Means

(by Dan Pedersen)

It can be scary to give up the illusion of control. But when we do, things tend to work better. Letting go is freedom.

Letting go doesn’t mean loose living though. And it doesn’t mean sitting on the couch waiting for things to happen.

It means not aggravating ourselves. Not tormenting ourselves. Not being resentful. It’s about letting go of the thoughts and emotions that make us miserable.

And it means not holding onto our expectations and strategies too tightly. It means living with an attitude of thankfulness — recognizing that whatever control we have, is limited. And that even that control is itself a gift.

If this daily message blesses you, comment, like, tweet, share or forward it to your friends and loved ones. Even, those who think themselves your enemies :).

Follow The Daily Vulnerable videos on YouTube and Podcast (search for #WithChude wherever you get your podcast from).

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