Give feedback only when you've done this
I’m delighted to share some of the best pieces I’ve come across recently, on this edition of The Joy List.
Let me know which resonates the most with you.
PS: We are making this edition available to everyone. Be kind enough to share it with your friends and those who may not consider you such.
I agree with several of the things here. One of the best reads in the last month.
“As much as we know about how crazy, weird, talented, and insightful people can be, we are blind to perhaps 99.99999999% of it. The most prolific over-sharers disclose maybe a thousandth of one percent of what they’ve been through and what they’re thinking.
One thing this does is gives a false view of success. Most of what people share is what they want you to see. Skills are advertised, flaws are hidden. Wins are exaggerated, losses are downplayed. Doubt and anxiety are rarely shared on social media. Defeated soldiers and failed CEOs rarely sit for interviews.”
“Trauma is the result of a mechanism your brain uses to protect you. This mechanism is often helpful - by sensitizing you to patterns that are similar to ones where you were hurt or frightened in the past, your brain tries to protect you from getting hurt again. Unfortunately, this protective mechanism sometimes goes too far, leading to reactions that can seriously impact people’s welfare (at which point we call it “trauma”).”
This piece shows how to deal with it.
“For trivial matters, it’s efficient and perhaps useful to simply follow a crowd or whatever leader we’ve chosen. But when it matters, we need to make (and own) our own decisions.
To do that effectively, consider:
Do the reading
Show your work
Avoid voices with a long track record of being wrong
Ask, “and then what happens?”
Ask, “how would that work?”
Ignore people who make a living saying stupid things to attract attention
Follow a path you’re eager and happy to take responsibility for
Be prepared to change your mind when new data arrives
Think hard about who profits and why they want you to believe something
Consider the long-term impact of short-term thinking
None of these steps are easy. This could be why we so often outsource them to someone else.”
I recently came across Brene Brown’s checklist for giving feedback and loved it.
“I know that I’m ready to give feedback when …
I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.
I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you).
I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes.
I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges.
I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming.
I am open to owning my part.
I can genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than criticize them for their failings.
I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to growth and opportunity.
I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.
I am aware of power dynamics, implicit bias, and stereotypes.”
It feels powerful knowing this and practicing it.
> Finally, enjoy this video that recommends that you yearn for silence. The mind speaks when you are silent.
From Joy, Inc.
> On #WithChude this weekend, we have Nse Ikpe-Etim!
Everyone is celebrating her as Mrs. Jumoke Randle from a star turn in King of Boys: The Return of the King. We’ve been trying to do this interview for two years and I know that today, that conversation will be worth it. Nse talks about the struggle to have a child, dealing with deep dark depression and about her career - where she has been celebrated from her very first movie until now.
You can watch her conversation with Chude at watch.withchude.com.
Worth thinking about
“You must have a core of yourself that does not shake or change for whatever reason. And because it is so important, and because it will be difficult to change, you want to be thoughtful about what that core will be.”